i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
