I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
