I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
