Your mouth is God's brothel.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
