If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
