he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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