Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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