Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
