i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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