Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
