Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
