Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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