Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
