My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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