I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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