Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
