Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
