I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
