he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
