I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
