I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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