and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
