question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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