What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
