i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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