He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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