For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
