Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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