never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
