i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
