My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Couch. On fire.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
