So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
