I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
time to smoke my breakfast
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
