Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
