...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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