At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We were destined to go to rehab together
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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