My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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