Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it hurts more in the daytime
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
