i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
