Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
