Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You smell like stripper and shame
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
