take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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