My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize