Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
