Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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