I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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