Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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