Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
4 words: hood of his car
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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