Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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