So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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