What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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