hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
