I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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