you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
