Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize