Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
