Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize