"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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