I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
