sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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