if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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